Things That I Can't.

Sometimes I just don't know how to intro these things and it makes me really nervous. Because like, beginnings are really important you know? If you don't have a good beginning nobody's gonna want to read the rest of whatever you wrote and it's just too much pressure to have to come up with actual introductions. A helpful rule of thumb for this blog would be to generally skip the first paragraph because mostly it's just embarrassing for me. 

There are a lot of things in life that I just can't. Maybe you've heard this phrase watching Girl Code, or maybe you're just hip and picked it up somewhere less mainstream than that, but I think it's a very relevant phrase. It's just like, you just can't even start trying to find words because whatever you 'just can't' is so ridiculous it deserves no words anyway. So I thought I'd share with you children all the things that I 'just can't."

1. Denim on denim. I just can't. There is literally no reason or excuse for ever, EVER, wearing denim on denim. 

2. Lorde's boyfriend. 

 It's not that I don't fully support this relationship or nothin, but I just can't because I don't think I could ever have a conversation with him and not nervous laugh every 4.2 seconds. He's just so uncomfortable looking I can't.

3. Girls with apparent iq's of -23. Like I do not know if you are trying to be this way because you think it's cute, or if you are really that unfortunately stupid, but I can't do you. If you ask me if Alaska is an island one more time I may actually explode. 

4. Multiple Instagram posts in a day. There is never an exception to this rule. I can't. I can barely do one post a day from most of you crazies but two it intolerable this is not what America is about I'm sorry.

5. Smart people who won't share their answers. Are you kidding me here? When they're like, "Well I don't know I mean, I worked really hard on this and I just.." hell to the no you can stop right there. I'm dumb and I need help and you're a terrible person if you refuse to let me copy your homework. 

6. One time somebody asked me if the pope was the guy who was married to the queen. Do you think I could? NOPE. I COULDN'T. I STILL CAN'T.

7. My mom when she says things like, "did you get any retweets on that Instagram you snap chatted?" I know you weren't raised in this technology era or whatever old people say to make themselves feel less tech illiterate, but I really can't.

You know I really don't wanna end a list with 7 because that's an odd number and I'm pretty sure that's bad luck in some country, but I have Chemistry homework that I need to go do incorrectly.

 TIP FOR A GOOD WEEKEND: Avoid angry bears because I feel like that wouldn't work out well, if you like, got in a fight with a bear. Ok Merry Christmas.

How To Be Awkward

Happy Sunday evening, I hope your homework procrastination is going well. Mine definitely is.  Tonight, on Awkwardly Awkward, I'm going to give you 100% fool-proof tips on how to be awkward, in case you've ever wanted to and just don't know how. So tell your math homework to pipe down, and take notes because I, the queen of putting myself and others in uncomfortable situations, am here to share my expertise.

1. The first and most important rule you must follow if you want to be a blundering goon like me, is you must never hide any part of your personality. If you are trying to fit in at all, and changing or concealing any aspect of your behavior or personality, you are losing. Embrace your inner strange and I promise, you will always invite awkwardness. 

2. Spend an abnormal amount of time alone. If you spend all your time with people, their normality and ability to act appropriately in social situations might rub off on you and that's very difficult to reverse. Spend as much time alone as possible that allows you to still have a few friends. Taking it to the next level, frequently talk to yourself when alone. (Increases awkward level by 7.7%)

3. Make lots of lists. If you've never noticed, most of these blog posts are lists. Lists just really accentuate my inability to stay focussed on one specific thing for a reasonable amount of time and also that I just really like making lists. Ok this one's dumb and it doesn't make sense wow alright sorry disregard me.

4. When asked a question, or just simply when in conversation, start off on things that don't have anything to do with what is being talked about, realize that your thought is completely out of place, and then apologize and avoid any and all eye contact afterwards. Example; number 3 of this list. 

5. Speak and write in sentences made up of large amounts of solely exclamatory words (oh, wow, ok, alright, etc) and use no punctuation when you realize you've embarrassed yourself. Example: last sentence of number 3. 

6. Fall down a minimum of 6 times per day. 

7. At least once a week, make sure that you are singing along with the car radio and get the words wrong. A minimum of two people must witness and laugh otherwise it doesn't count.

8. Dance "eccentrically" at any and every opportunity. I generally use this rule when I want to embarrass my friends. You change that lightbulb, mow that lawn, and patch that cabbage for everybody to see. *Bonus points are awarded if you double up and combine this with rule 6, and fall over WHILE dancing. *

Those are just a few tips that may or may not help you embarrass yourself and others in your general daily lives. Try them out and I guarantee you will see a 89% increase in your social ineptness or your money back. And if your homework is still staring at you from across the room whispering, "do me. do me," you can tell your homework to stop being so thirsty and go online shopping or something. Fight the system. (Can I get arrested for telling you to not do your homework?)

Ok byeeeeee :)

Revelations

I'm not going to lie, hitting that "new post" button approximately 10 seconds ago filled me with such immense joy. 

AWKWARDLY AWKWARD IS BACK. 

Hopefully you haven't all given up on me yet because it'd be really disappointing if I started doing this again and nobody read it. Also, I'm choosing to do this instead of read my World History textbook so there's a good chance I'm going to fail some quiz I won't know we have, so you all can appreciate the sacrifices I make for you. (We all know I wasn't actually ever going to read anyway, but now it looks like I had at least some sort of excuse.)

Anyway, I was thinking about what would be a good post topic to use for the first post after my long hiatus (vocab word from some past English class, but I can't really remember which one), and I came up with, "Revelations." Revelations, because I came to the conclusion I am really deep and basically like one of those ancient Greek philosophers, and I have many revelations I believe should be shared. And where better to do it than on the internet?

(PS I'm still really excited that this blog is happening again.)

So here are a few of the breakthroughs that I've come to in my 15 years of life.

1. If you try to do your makeup in a moving car, you will hurt yourself.

 And you can try to get sassy with me and say, "Well actually you're wrong because I've done it before," but you're wrong. Maybe you didn't repeatedly stab yourself with eyeliner, and yay for that, but there is no way in hell that the quality of a makeup job done in a moving car is ever going to be that of one done anywhere else. So even if you didn't cause partial blindness in one eye, you hurt your makeup credibility. Maybe you even hurt your chances of not dying alone because boys don't think it's cute when there is mascara on your upper eyelid and oh, guess who has mascara on their upper eyelid? You. Because you did your makeup in the car, and now you're going to be alone forever. 

2. Putting things in an online shopping cart without having any intention of buying them is completely   acceptable.

  If you are like me, you are poor. This means that you have no money. And that means that you can't buy cute clothes off the internet. WHAT THAT DOES NOT MEAN, IS THAT YOU CAN'T DREAM. People who laugh at you for unrealistic amounts of clothes in a cart online are people who you do not need in your life. Like you know, what if you just really really love this one shirt you see on urbanoutfitters.com, but you remember you only have around $0.42 to your name? You're just supposed to scroll right past it and act like it never existed? You can't do that. You saw it. You made a connection with it. It's a part of you now, whether you like it or not. Well I'll tell you what you do. ADD IT TO THE BAG. You can sleep that night without crying and listening to "The One That Got Away," because you know the baby is safe in your bag. 

3. It is indeed very possible to trip UP the stairs.

 Gravity is a liar. If you've been there, you know. If you haven't, we're probably not friends.

4. Letting other people die your hair for you will never end up well.

Clarifying point I should add; by "other people," I mean non-professionals who also have a combined IQ of about 6. You'd think I would've learned after the first time, when I let my friend try to die it blonde and I ended up a ginger. You'd think I would've learned. But no, no then I thought it would somehow work out ok if I let my other friend die the ginger hair PURPLE. Do not ask why I agreed to dying my hair purple in the first place, because I will never be able to give you an ok reason. The purple didn't actually look that bad either, except for the few patches of hair that die wasn't applied to. I was a grape with patches of ginger. And as sad as it may be that I had to let it go that far before I realized I should stop letting people die my hair, I now understand that unless you want to look like Halloween every day of your life, die your hair yourself.

5. There is no such thing as a not-basic girl's Halloween costume.

In the many discussions I had with people leading up to Halloween this year, I realized that no matter how hard you try, you can't come up with a single non-basic costume for girls. Nerd? Basic. Bunny? Basic. Hippy? Basic. Cat? Basic. Princess? Basic. And the only way you could defy this would be to wear like a cardboard milk carton costume or something and then everybody just thinks you're weird. Ya feel?

I genuinely hope some of these strokes of genius have made you evaluate your life a little, and made you think about the complexity of the world we live in. I also genuinely hope that you are excited about AA being back. I also also genuinely hope I can power read 13 pages of History before I pass out. (Not likely)

XOXOXOXO