Things Parents Say

Demons

Ha, tricked you again. You thought it was gonna be scary but it wasn't. 

Before we begin, IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST BECAUSE YOU ARE BROWSING BLOGS CHECKING OUT WHICH ONE'S YOU'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR IN THE BLOGGING CHALLENGE, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D CONSIDER THIS ONE, NOT BECAUSE IT'S THAT GOOD BUT BECAUSE I NEVER WIN ANYTHING PLEASE I'LL GIVE YOU NO MONEY BECAUSE I'M BROKE BUT IT WOULD MAKE ME EXTREMELY HAPPY SO THANKS.  (Sorry for the caps, but it's important people get the point.)

Things parents say. You can probably relate.

1. Because I said so.

Wow good one mom you really knocked me speechless with that one. Have you ever considered being a lawyer? I'm sure if you just got up there and the judge was like, "Ok why is your client not guilty?" you could just pull one of those, "because I said so," zingers out and SHABAM. The jury would probably all take a gasp and look around at each other, the defendant could just walk out the room and no one even cares cause you really showed them. Good one mom, good one.

2. Watch your tone.

Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't aware ANSWERING YOUR QUESTION was "giving you attitude." And it's not my fault that sometimes I'm sassy, it's just part of being a diva.

3. Stop being so dramatic.

My Mom -   *coughs as if she's a little baby owl sneezing or something* 

My Mom -  "well i guess i have throat cancer did you guys hear that i probably should lay down before i pass out im in so much pain you guys really should be nicer to me i have throat cancer who knows how long i have left i think you need to clean the whole house for me so ill remember you fondly from heaven im dying"

4. I do everything around here.

Excuse me I just came home from school 20 minutes ago to find you taking a nap while I did my homework, walked the dog, and did the dishes. What were you saying again? (I'm not kidding about that either. It's not an unusual thing for me to come home and my mom is taking a nap.)

5. Is your homework done?

Will you buy me a car? Oh we're not asking silly questions we both already know the answer to? My mistake.  

A tip for a swaggy fun weekend: Don't get hit by a car.

Thank you and goodnight New York Citayyyyyyyy. 

*Headbangs my way out of the room playing the air guitar*

Dance Dares

Children of the internet, today you are in for a very special treat. Someone told me that the voting for best blogs in each class was coming up soon. I have no idea if that's a rumor or not, but regardless, I REALLY WANT TO WIN. (Winning is everything, if you're not first, you're last, etc.) So to show you all how badly I want this, I spent the whole day embarrassing myself for your entertainment. Enjoy.



 

You're welcome. 

Things I Really Hate

hahahahahah hello swags. Happy FRIDAY to you all.

Today, you're going to hear all about things that really get on my nerves. If you maybe read one of these and you think to yourself, "hey I do that." I'd like to tell you to STAHP. 

1. Don't stop in the middle of the hallway during passing periods. IM TRYING TO GET PLACES AND IF YOU STOP IN FRONT OF ME I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE, DRUG YOU, CUT YOU INTO SHAPES USING COOKIE CUTTERS, AND FEED THE SHAPES TO SNAPPING TURTLES. 

2. I can not stand when people are loud in movies. I mean, IM allowed to be loud during movies, but you're not. Let's just get that idea through our heads. 

3. I hate, I HATE, when people are communicating with you via social media and they spell "yeah" like "ya" or "yea." I don't know why it bothers me, BUT I HATE IT. 

4. I'm very aware of the fact that I'm no professional dancer, but DO NOT TRY TO CONTAIN MY GROOVE. I FEEL THOSE BEYONCE MOVES IN MY SOUL. 

5.  I hate when people change their personality around different people to be cool. Like bro, what do you think you're doing? How in the heck does anyone have that much energy to have like two different personalities for different people. That seems like it'd be to much work.

6. The Boston Red Sox 

7. Freaking Pandora and YouTube ads. Can you freaking not.

8. I know I was guilty of this in my 6th grade year, but we all make mistakes. Flare jeans that are too big for you that you've crammed into fake Uggs are never ok. They're just not. 

9. Wearing wet clothes. Like if I decide to YOLO it and jump in a pool with my clothes on, I will spend the time until I get dry clothes on absolutely hating myself. The resentment I feel for myself is about how much I would hate someone who killed my whole family. 

10. And the last thing I hate is when people try to act all above the people on reality TV. Like, "Oh they're so disgusting and trashy and stupid like omg what is our world coming to." That's nice and you can leave now because I'm pretty sure I'd rather be friends with them over you any freaking day of the week you irrelevant little ratchet. Jesus. (I did not mean Jesus is an irrelevant ratchet.)

Well that's all for tonight my peasants. Also, on a side note, I would really love it if you would all go to ask.fm/jackiebuckman sometime in the next week and ask me questions. If I get enough, hopefully I'll be able to use them and my answers for my next. Alright well go have a rockin YOLO Friday night, talk to homeless people, adopt a pigeon, life your life. Stay Swaggy. 

XOXO

Awkwardly Awkward

Hi there children, how are you today? Today hasn't really been a good day for me, but then I was like, "Bro, stop being sad and go write a blog post for all your cute little friends and then you will feel happy." So that's what I'm doing. (And then I also remembered, hey, at least I'm not Amanda Bynes.)

As you know, (At least I should hope you know...) the name of this blog is Awkwardly Awkward, and if you've ever met me, you know why. But just for some laughs, I am going to revisit as many of my outstandingly awkward moments as I can remember for you today. Swag.

A few weeks ago I was walking in the hall with my friend, approaching a few stairs, and there was this exceptionally cute boy coming up the stairs. So he looks up at us and casually is all like, "Hey guys," and then for some reason, I think it would just be the perfect moment to fall down the stairs. He laughed and walked away. Smooth Jackie.

Another time, I was talking to one of my friends, just having a normal conversation, and then for no reason at all, I just drooled. Like I can't even- what? I'm 15 years old and I can't have a conversation without drooling. So that happened and at first I didn't think he saw, I was just like, "no big, play it coooool," but then he looks at me for a second and was like, "......did you just drool?" Then I ran away.

And I'm just getting started.

I also have this weird habit, where I don't finish sentences. Like, I'll start a sentence, and then just stop and act like I never said anything. Then when people ask me what the end of the sentence was I can't tell them because I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE END OF THE SENTENCE WAS. I start saying something but then I realize it doesn't make sense or I just don't know what to say, so I stop and hope no one notices. But occasionally they do, and then are like, "Hahah what....?" And then I just nervous laugh until they go away. 

Then there was that one time I wrote "Buckie Jackman" on a homework assignment instead of "Jackie Buckman."

One time this guy called me pretty (don't look so surprised), and I didn't know what to do, so I said Happy Birthday. Happy freaking birthday. 

During Spring Break last year I was in Mexico, and so I go out to the beach and I, for some reason, act like I'm some sort of pro dancer and start ballet leaping all over the place. Right up until my top flew off. 

I don't know if anyone but me has ever noticed this one, but I can't sit or stand like regular people. My posture varies from 'Hunchback of Notre Dame' to 'My spine is a steel pole' and there's no in between, and I always have my hands out in front of me like I'm some sort of meerkat. 

And then there was the one time I was in the grocery store, and I had wandered off and lost my mom. So I'm just wandering the aisles all alone, and then, because my brain has something wrong with it, I decide to start trying to do the jerk. I proceeded to slip and fall on my butt and I hear someone go, "Oh! Are you okay?!" I turn around and there's this little old lady standing behind me, and I resort to my panic solution, to nervous laugh and run away.