How To Avoid Dying

Alright, so this morning I was on the bus, and I was like 'Jackie, if you were ever in a life threatening situation, you are so clever and smart and creative you would probably live.'  And I realized that everyone might not feel as confident in their abilities to survive bad situations like that, so I wanted to help out and give some examples of situations and how to react and stay alive. You're welcome. 

If a crazed serial killer ever breaks into your house, get up to your room and climb into your laundry hamper and then burry yourself in the clothes. If you went into a house to serial kill someone, you would never think to look in the laundry cause why on earth would they be in there! Problem solved. 

If you are ever kidnapped while on a mission to save the world or something, and are thrown into shark infested waters, just pull a Jenna Marbles and slap a landshark hand fin on your back. Since you are in water, that will then be considered a watershark which is just a normal shark. Then, the sharks will think you are also a shark, and not eat you. 

Always carry a pot of honey with you if you ever go hiking. Imagine you're just hiking along and you see a bear and the bear sees you and starts running at you because he hates you and wants to eat you, just whip out your handy dandy pot of honey and he'll be mesmerized by the honey and not eat you. That's because bears love honey. Also make sure you give him the honey to eat and then while he's eating the honey, just get on his back and tame him. Because then you would have your own tamed pet bear and you would get all te girls because who wouldn't want to date someone with a pet bear? Then, you and your pet bear could grow old and look back and laugh on that one time he wanted to maul you but you gave him honey and tamed him. 

If you are ever walking alone in a dark alley and a group of really sketchy looking guys with scratchy looking beards come up with black fitted beanies on, keeping yourself safe is simple. All you have to do is make sure that spiderman is in love with you and is watching your every move and them BAM he'll be there in a flash to beat up all the scary people and then you can kiss whilst he is hanging upside down. Duh.

The last situation I'm going to teach you how to survive is if someone you like ever tries to talk to you. See I've found a method over the years that works quite well. For example you are just being your awkward self and they come up and say, "Hey." Do not panic. Simply look for the nearest fire alarm, pull it, and then run outside with the rest of the school. Then, next time you see them, be like "ha ha wow crazy fire the other day hu?" and they'll be like "yeah it was!" and you be like "yeah there really was no fire, I just pulled the alarm because you're hot." POOF. Now you have yourself a boyfriend. (I've also seen it end in the crush giving you a weird look, nervously mumble-laugh something and walk away quickly, but that's only happened every single time I've ever tried this method.)

Now you all kinda owe me one since I just saved your lives like five times. I accept chocolate. Thank you very much.